Harold Camping admits he was high on PCP when he came up with his 'May 21st' calculation.

Harold Camping admitted to anxious reporters today that he was high on the drug 'PCP' when he calculated his infamous apocalyptic May 21st, end of the world prediction. Camping said, "After taking a hit off a PCP laced cigar I bought off Craigslist, it seemed so clear that my calculation for May 21st being the end of the world was accurate. I also traveled into space with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny on that unforgettable afternoon; we all vacation together annually on Pluto."

A sober Camping recalculated his numbers and discovered that the end of the world will actually take place in October. "I feel like a boob! Whoops - my bad." Many of his followers spent their entire life savings by providing fliers and handouts to people across the world.

Story by Scott Llop

Arnold Schwarzengger to star in LifeTime Special: 'The Sperminator'

Arnold Schwarzegger is to star in a LifeTime Channel Special titled 'The Sperminator': a made for T.V. movie based on the recent news of his 'mystery child' with a former house made. Check your local television listing for air date and time.

Story By Scott Llop

U.S. To Hand Over Bin Laden's Beard For Public Museum Viewing

It was announced today that the U.S. will hand over the beard of Osama Bin Laden to a yet to be named public museum in Afghanistan. Howard Smith said, "We feel it would be respectful to Osama's family and followers to at least leave them with a tangible memory."

The head of White House relations, Jim Stoward, revealed that this was a joint decision that was not easy to come to. "At first, we thought about putting Bin Laden's beard on Ebay with a 'Buy It Now' option in hopes to raise money for this top secret mission that is estimated to cost U.S. tax payers 30 million dollars.

Upon further thought into this matter, a special committee decided to donate the former terror leader's facial hair to a yet to be announced museum that plans to have it on display.

Mary Jenkins said, "It's likely that the museum will display Bin Laden's beard for the public to view and possibly allow to touch for a minimal fee of 50 cents. Some say that Bin Laden would of been less menacing without his trademark beard. His facial beard is estimated at being 2.5 feet long and weighing 13 ounces.

Story by Scott Llop

MTV's Jersey Shore star Snookie - punches herself in the face.

Sources at Reliable News were informed late yesterday that the reason for Nicole Polizzi's (a.k.a.'Snooki') recent hospitalization was due to a minor concussion that she apparently inflicted on herself by punching herself in the face.

A couple of years ago, MTV aired an episode (watch video) of Jersey Shore in which Snooki was punched in the face by a male at a local bar; all while the cameras were rolling. When asked why she would do such a harmful act to herself she said, "Over the weekend I was watching the Jersey Shore marathon and after the 15th episode in a row, I felt the urge to knock myself out.

I did not realize how annoying I came across until I actually watched and listened to myself for over 7 hours straight. I would like to apologize to the gentlemen who punched me at that bar a couple of seasons ago. To him I say, touche." Snookie also had a comment about one of her cast mates on the show. "I think if Mike 'The Situation' were forced to watch 15 episodes of the show in a row like I did that he would probably run out into rush hour traffic and get hit by a car."

You can watch the new season of Jersey Shore on MTV every Sunday night.

Written by Scott Llop

Duck Duck Goose World Champion Disqualified For Steriod Use.

 

Gene Jenkins has dominated the game of duck duck goose for 27 years. Jenkins began his triumphing career in the popular children's game when he was 6 years old at the National Elementary School D.D.G. Championship in Orlando, Florida. His very likable personality and showmanship led the International Committee of Duck Duck Goose to broaden the age limit to 35 years of age.

"We feel that duck duck goose should not be restricted to mere children plus we found that the ratings and corporate sponsorship increased dramatically when we raised the age limit on the game." (Chairman of D.D.G. International - 1997)

Gene Jenkins has held the title of first place every year since he began playing. This year however, strict rules enforced by the newly elected D.D.G. sub committee put in force a mandatory drug test for all players regardless of their age. Parents from around the globe were outraged that their 6- 12 year old kids were required to give a drug screen prior to every competition.

Melissa Jones from Dallas, Texas said, "My child is only 7 years old. He watches cartoons and builds tree houses. I can assure you that he's not hopped up on steroids." Despite controversy from parents and other competitors, it looks like the newly enforced 'drug screen' was not in vain.

Upon Gene Jenkins first drug screen, the results that came back shocked the duck duck goose community and sent mixed feelings about past championships won by Jenkins.
Gene Jenkins declined an interview upon our request. He is disqualified from this year's championship which will be held live on ESPN 11 December 28th, 2010.

Written by Scott Llop Copyright 2010

'Biggest Loser's' Alfredo Dinten donates single pair of jeans to village in Haiti

Alfredo Dinten, contestant from NBC's 'Biggest Loser', donated a single pair of Lee jeans to a village in southern Haiti this week. Reuters reported that Dinten was asked to donate any old clothing to a charity of his choice. "I came up with the idea of helping the earthquake victims of Haiti while watching and episode of Who's the Boss", says Dinten.

A local woman of the village named 'Hamanini' was overwhelmed with the generosity of such a famous American and was also bewildered at the size of his jeans. Local Haitian Fasputakasa: "We thought this jeans was from giant like we read in book when parents tell scary stories."

The denim fabric alone from Alfredo's donation was able to yield the villagers 17 hammocks, 45 pairs of socks and 21 three man tents. Alfredo Dinten is viewed as a hero as well as a world humanitarian. Dinten plans to donate a couple of tee shirts to the village later next spring. The contents are expected to provide wind sales for over 60 sail boats in Haiti.

Written by Scott Llop Copyright 2010

Man leads guards on low-speed shopping cart chase

When choosing a getaway vehicle, it's a good idea to make sure it goes more than 3 miles an hour.

A Palm Beach man led security guards on an intense slow-speed chase in a motorized shopping cart in a grocery store parking lot after he allegedly stole some meat and ran over a child's foot during his escape.
Louis Lorensen, 58, was finally cornered by security guards and employees of the Winn-Dixie, who waited for police to show up to finally arrest the would-be thief, reports the Sun-Sentinel.

"I ain't no punk, and I ain't going down without a fight," Lorensen was yelling, according to a police report of the odd incident. He apparently wasn't in a rush to get away, either. Most motorized shopping carts can reach speeds of about 3 miles per hour, but they might not even be that fast. At that rate, Lorensen would have been better off using his feet. But that didn't stop him from allegedly loading up on 11 packages of meat and then low-tailing it out of the store.

As he tried to exit, a woman and her 4-year-old son were walking in. Lorensen told the customers to move out of the way, but the little boy was caught like a deer in headlights with the oncoming slow cart bearing down on him, according to the police report.

Lorensen ran over the boy's foot and made it into the parking lot before finally being corralled, the police report said.

At the police station, Lorensen told an officer, "When you take these cuffs off, I'm going to punch you in the face," according to the report, as reported by the Sun-Sentinel.
He now faces two counts of larceny, aggravated battery on a child, possession of stolen property and resisting arrest. (News article from msnbc.com)